Finding Peace
by Golem XIV
Summary: Now a two-shot. My first RobRae (or, more precisely, Richard/Raven) fic, so please be gentle. Rating increased to M for language and some NSFW content.
1. Finding Peace

**Author's Note:** Like many times before, I felt the need to explore things I'm not too comfortable with. But I hope the story is good and that you'll like it.

 **Disclaimer:** Going through my assets I was mildly surprised to see that I do not own the Teen Titans.

-=oOo=-

 **Finding Peace**

The corner table of the bar was shrouded in darkness, and a good observer would've noticed it was done on purpose. The power cables for the two neon advertisement signs hanging on the walls above it – one for beer, the other for vodka – were unplugged, neatly wound up and held with twist ties.

The spark of a lighter broke the shadows, dimming quickly into the soft glow of a small flame. It flickered a little as the hand that held it trembled slightly, illuminating the pale face of a young woman before it extinguished, leaving behind the angry incandescence of a lit cigarette.

She inhaled the smoke deeply and let it out slowly, tasting it, wrapping herself in its blue wisps. Lifting a dewy glass to her lips, she drained the remaining liquid and frowned at the ice cubes swirling inside. She delicately placed the glass back on the table and rapped a quick tattoo on the wooden surface with her nails.

Soon enough a large, handsome man in his late twenties appeared, carrying a fresh drink and placing it silently in front of her. He picked up the empty glass, but instead of turning and going back behind the bar he hesitated.

"That's the third, Rachel. You should slow down a bit."

The woman lifted her eyes and looked at him, meeting his gaze. A small smile appeared on her face.

"You worry too much."

He decided to interpret the smile as tacit approval. He lowered his bulk on a chair, sitting across from her, elbows on the table and hands clasping each other as he leaned towards her.

"Once or twice a month was fine," he spoke softly, looking around to make sure they weren't being overheard. "Once or twice a _week_ was starting to worry me. Now it's every day." His eyes were affectionate but apprehensive; his voice descended to a concerned whisper. "Don't do this, Rach. Don't waste your life."

Her smile faded. "I have no life to waste, Gerald."

He closed his eyes and bent his head, his jaw muscles knotting. He looked up at her again. "I owe you too much, Rach. We all do. We're all worried –"

"I've never promised anything to anyone," she cut him off, her voice frosting. "Don't presume, Gerald. Don't judge me."

He flinched at her tone, but held his ground. "I understand that. Everyone here does. But we're not just concerned that we'll lose our healer. It's because –"

"I know," she interrupted him again, some warmth creeping back into her words. "I'm aware of it. You know who I am – _what_ I am. You know I can feel it."

"Then why –" he began loudly, checked himself, looked around and started again much more quietly. "Then why are you doing this? People here like you. They care for you. You've done more for our small town than anyone ever has."

She took a deep drag of the cigarette and shook her head. "It has nothing to do with you, or with anyone here. You know that."

He clenched his big hands into large fists to keep his voice low. "What are you running away from, Rach? Are you sure none of us can help you with it?"

Her eyes flashed with anger and he winced, afraid he'd gone too far, but it was over in an instant. Cool indifference suffused her gaze and her voice as she answered.

"No one can help me. Those who once could… now won't."

Realizing the conversation was over, he rose up from the chair with a heavy sigh and went behind the bar.

-=oOo=-

The dark-haired youth paused at the door of the bar, letting the eyes behind the dark glasses adjust to the murkiness. A quick, practiced glance took in most of the present company, the layout of the tables, the location of the windows, the position of the back door. Not that he was expecting trouble; it was an automatic reaction.

He walked to the bar counter and leaned on it, following the large bartender with his gaze as he moved closer.

"What'll it be?" the big man asked in an unfriendly voice. The newly-arrived guest chuckled inwardly. People in small towns like this one relied on each other and usually shunned the outside world, knowing that contact with it brought bad news more often than not. It made for a perfect hiding place.

"A soda." The bartender turned around and his hand went for the refrigerator door. "And information."

The hand hesitated and the head turned. Hard eyes studied him. "What kind of information?"

This time the chuckle was audible. "I'm looking for a young woman. Have you seen her?" He produced a picture from his jacket pocket and offered it to the bartender.

Gerald took the picture and examined it carefully, keeping his face impassive. He knew the girl very well. He had just talked to her. But he knew she wouldn't be here, buried in the ass end of nowhere, if she was interested in the world outside. That much was at least clear; he'd be damned if he'd do anything against her wishes.

The young man studied him carefully. "Never seen her," the bartender grumbled and returned the photograph. As the picture changed hands the youth smiled. The hard, cold look in the older man's eyes was now downright hostile.

The bartender couldn't have been more obvious if he shouted it in his face. She was here.

"How about that soda, then?" he smirked.

The bartender watched him for a few seconds, then turned abruptly and stepped towards a pile of pallets packed with soda cans, still enveloped in thick shrink-wrap. His large hands tore the tough plastic effortlessly, removing a can and slamming it on the counter. "Here."

The young guest cast a pointed glance at the glass door of the refrigerator behind which rows of sodas were sweating. His smile widened; he was being dismissed, and not too subtly.

"How much?"

"On the house," the bartender growled. "As long as you take it with you and drink it outside," he added in a much louder voice. Chairs scraped behind the dark-haired visitor. He grinned. Things were quickly getting interesting.

A cool voice startled them all. "That's enough, Gerald. The five of you won't last three seconds against him."

All eyes turned to look at her. His chest tightened; she always had this flair for emerging from the shadows. She stood straight, watching him, head cocked slightly, face composed, arms folded across her chest, her gaze calm and emotionless, painful in its familiarity.

"Rachel?" the bartender tried, uncertain.

Her eyes turned to him. "It's OK. He just wants to talk." She whirled and headed back to her corner, the newcomer following in her wake. She spoke over her shoulder. "Bring him a soda – a cold one this time – and bring me another drink, too."

He sat down across her, taking the dark glasses off. Protecting his secret identity came second place to the wish to see her clearly right now. She lit a cigarette and blew the smoke up. He couldn't miss the trembling of her hands. Her frosty voice startled him.

"The fuck do you want, Richard?"

-=oOo=-

"I was looking for you."

"How about that. I'd never guess that would be the reason you're in Hicksville, population 241 if you count the dogs."

As much as he wanted to smile at the sarcasm, the memories it was bringing back were way too painful and way too poisonous. He felt himself overwhelmed and ground his teeth against it all, trying to focus on the present.

"Rae…"

She dragged on the cigarette and blew out the smoke, not caring that it made him cough. "Why the fuck do you think I'm here, Richard? Don't you think I'd be easier to find if I _wanted_ to be found?"

"I have to talk to you –"

"What's there to talk about?" she interrupted him. "We both know what happened. We know what we did. What I did."

"It wasn't your fault –"

"Oh, for fuck's _sakes_ , Richard!" she hissed at him. "For once, just _once_ in your life stop trying to be a fucking hero and be yourself!"

"I already did, remember?" he replied icily. He could see the effect of his words as they smashed into her. She looked down, sucked on the cigarette and tried to hide herself in the exhaled smoke.

He pressed his lips together. This was going all wrong, he didn't want to bring it all back. He wanted to spare her the anguish and the pain, but he couldn't see a way to avoid it.

"Rae, listen to me. You can't blame yourself –"

She lifted her gaze. "Who _can_ I blame? You?" She took a final drag of the cigarette and stubbed it angrily into the ashtray. "We fucked up four lives, Richard. Not one, not two. Four."

'That's not completely true –"

"No, I guess it's not," she cut him off again. She seemed intent on not letting him get a full sentence out. "My own life doesn't count, I suppose. I shouldn't have survived my sixteenth birthday."

"That's _enough!_ " he shouted, enraged at her self-loathing. His hand squeezed the soda can and what was left of the drink spilled out of the crumpled remains. "You threw off your father's influence and gained your life back! We may have helped you, but the battle was yours! And so was the victory!"

"For _what?_ " she shouted back. "To piss it all away? To hurt everyone I ever cared for? To break everyone's hearts and betray us all – you, me, Gar, Kori – for a night of drunken passion that I can't even _remember?_ "

They both stared at each other, breathing heavily. A large figure loomed over them.

"Rachel, if he's bothering you…"

She swallowed her grief and her rage with difficulty. "It's OK, Gerald," she gave the big bartender an affectionate look. "If I need him thrown out I'll do it myself. Please give us privacy."

"If that's what you want, Rach. I'll be nearby, just in case."

"I know," she smiled at him and watched him retreat back behind the bar. "You always are," she whispered.

He didn't miss it. "Is something… going on between you two?" he asked quietly.

She didn't answer right away. Her hand went for the cigarette pack, the slender fingers extracting a cancer stick delicately, turning it and placing it between her lips. For some reason the sight disturbed him.

She flicked the lighter on, blinding him for a second. The red tip of the cigarette glowed as she sucked the poison in, then described intricate, mesmerizing patterns in the darkness as she gestured while she spoke.

"We're… friends with benefits. Though I can feel he wants more."

"And you don't?"

She frowned at him. "No, I don't. I don't want to get drunk and fuck someone and break his heart, too."

He sighed and shook his head. "You're being unreasonable and cruel to yourself, Rae. If –"

"I'm not cruel _enough,_ " she said softly but her eyes suddenly glowed red. He shuddered. The crimson flame in her eyes faded as quickly as it appeared. "It keeps the needs of my body satisfied."

He fought hard to keep the sorrow from his eyes and his voice. "What about the needs of your soul?"

"What about them?" she answered with such disinterest that it left him speechless for a few seconds. He tried to pull himself together.

"Rae, you have to –"

"How are the others?" she cut him off yet again. He sighed.

"Vic is with the Justice League. He's happy there, it's what he always wanted. Kori…" he swallowed.

"What's up with her?" she asked with a crooked smile on her face. He knew what she was doing, she was not making him say it just to hurt him. She wanted to see the pain in his eyes and feel it for her own, to torture both him and herself.

"She's hanging out with Jason and Roy now," he tried to maintain his indifference.

She smirked. "She was always too much of a woman for just one man."

His hands seized the edges of the table in a painful grip, cracking the wood. He rose from the chair and towered menacingly over her, a snarl on his face and fire in his eyes. She watched him calmly, her deep amethyst gaze cool and just a little amused.

Slowly and painfully he pulled himself back and relaxed into the chair while she enveloped herself in more tobacco haze. She was waiting for him to say the one bit of news that was missing, knowing that it will hurt her as few things ever did. He didn't want to speak about it. He knew it would tear her apart. But if he didn't say it, she would rip it out of him.

"Gar…"

She watched him, her eyes expressionless.

"He's with Tara."

Was it his imagination or did her eyes soften for a moment before the ice formed over the surface again?

He pushed it away from his mind and continued. "They've been together for a couple of years now. About a year ago they got married. She's…"

"She's what?" Her voice was flat, her eyes expressionless. He could only guess at the feelings that roared and raged inside her.

"She's six months pregnant."

Again she inhaled the blue smoke and blew it upwards. "Good for them."

He frowned. She sounded almost happy about it. He thought she would… He shook himself off. It was not important, he needed to get back to the reason why he was here.

"That's not it, Rae. The point is –"

" _I know what the fucking point is!_ " she screamed and slammed her fist on the table, making the glass and ashtray fly up and shatter on the floor.

Gerald appeared suddenly and silently with a broom and a dustpan. They watched him as he quickly cleaned up the mess and left, not without sending a warning glare at Richard.

"I know what the point is, Richard," she almost whispered. "I… I'm trying to be glad for him. For them."

"Then you know we haven't ruined their lives," he said earnestly. "We hurt them, and we sent them down a different path, but we haven't ruined anything. The lives we did ruin…"

She eased off back in her chair. "Is that why you're here?" she chuckled darkly.

He nodded. "We deserve a chance, Rae. We've…" his head dropped for a moment, then he looked at her again. "We've suffered enough. We've atoned for it, both of us. Let's try and pick some of the pieces up and put them back together."

Again her hand went for the cigarette pack and his heart sank. She fished one out and twirled it in her fingers, but she never lifted it to her mouth. A small glimmer of hope shone in his soul.

He leaned closer to her, his voice pleading. "We're alone, Rae. Both of us. You're here, in the middle of nowhere, and I…" Suddenly he faltered. Her eyebrow arched, her fingers still playing with the cigarette.

He ground his teeth and forced himself to carry on. "I dare not show my face to Gar or Kori. Victor won't speak to me. The rest of the Justice League treats me like I've got the plague. Even Bruce…"

The cigarette broke as her fingers spasmed into a fist. She blinked, shook the remains off her hand and retrieved another one, continuing her twirling game.

"I want… I need to rebuild it." He stared at the table, not having the strength to lift his eyes and look at her. "I must… make it better. I… want to hope again."

She closed her eyes while unbearably heavy memories washed over her. They sat quietly, like they did so many times so many years ago. The silence between them was always comforting and soothing. Maybe…

She opened her eyes, picked up the pack and returned the cigarette inside. He watched her do it, his eyes widening.

"I suppose we have nothing to lose," she said dryly and got up. "Shall we?"

He fought the smile that wanted so hard to spread across his face. He rose and followed her to the exit. Just before they reached it, she touched his arm and spoke quietly.

"Give me a minute."

There was sadness in Gerald's eyes, and she felt a pang of regret. But she could never love him.

"I'm leaving," she told him simply. He nodded, then glanced at Richard, who was again wearing his dark glasses.

"Will you be happy?"

She smiled and placed her hand over his. "I don't know. I don't think I ever will be. But maybe…"

She glanced at her friend, her teammate, her lover for one night. "… maybe I will find peace."

Gerald nodded gravely, understanding. "I hope you do."

She opened her mouth to say something else, then closed it, turned and went over to the waiting Richard. He offered her his arm and she took it, and they left the bar together.


	2. Finding Hope

**Author's Notes:**

A few words about why I wrote this. Many of you have noticed and commented on the fact that the ending of the original story – now the first chapter – was rushed and unsatisfactory. This is, unfortunately, a common problem that I have. But in this case I couldn't just leave it at that.

As I mentioned, this story came to be because of an itch I had to scratch, because of the need I have to write about things that – at least initially – take me out of my comfort zone. A Richard/Raven relationship definitely does that (I will not go into the reasons here; if you wish to discuss it, feel free to PM me, though). But so what? I already wrote the first chapter as a one-shot, without planning to expand it any further. Like any other writer I have good and bad days and I write better or worse fics. In itself, the fact that the original story had a rushed ending wouldn't be a compelling reason for me to try and fix it in this way.

You see, I felt guilty. I write almost exclusively BB/Rae fics, and if I was going to write a Richard/Raven story I _had_ to do it properly, otherwise I would risk being little more than a disgruntled shipper sneering at everything I do not support. As **Lilac Shimmer** noted, I wasn't being _honest_ with them.

I hope this second chapter corrects the mistakes I made in the first one and that it will leave you with a satisfying and fulfilling story. Please feel free to comment and criticize; I am always open to well-intentioned opinions.

Finally, I can't thank enough my good friend **XxAngelWithoutWingsxX** who helped me immensely by beta-reading and suggesting many changes to the original concept. Most of their suggestions have been included here, and the story would've been much worse if not for their input and support.

Oh, and a small warning for some NSFW content ahead.

-=oOo=-

 **Finding Hope**

They drove in silence for hours. At first he tried some small-talk with a few noncommittal questions about her life in the last years, only to receive back grunts and monosyllabic answers whenever she bothered to reply at all. He felt his concern rise. Raven was never big on conversation, but she only ignored direct questions when she didn't want to answer them. And yet she must've been aware that answers were what both of them needed right now.

His stomach rumbled. It was time to pull over, stretch a bit and eat something. A sign for a diner passed by; it would be as good a place as any.

He glanced at her. Her head was tilted, resting on the window glass, her gaze drifting over the landscape like a shadow, not pausing anywhere and not really touching anything.

"We'll make a pit stop here," he stated with somewhat forced nonchalance. "I'm hungry and I need to stretch out and rest."

She remained silent. He swallowed a rising sense of exasperation and returned his attention to the road. The exit to the diner appeared and he took it, parking the car in one of the available spaces. They left the vehicle and walked over to the glass door of the entrance.

"Richard," she said suddenly, making him pause and turn his head around to look at her, surprised. She stopped beside him and her hand touched his shoulder.

"I'm not ignoring you. I'm just…" her voice trailed off and her eyes searched for something on the ground.

"Just what?" he frowned.

She took a deep breath. "Never mind," she muttered and her hand dropped. She went to the door and pushed it open.

It was probably the most awkward lunch he ever had. She only took a few small bites of her own food and spent the rest of the time poking at it with the fork, silent, her gaze glued to the plate. He had to force his eyes to look out through the window as his frustration with her behavior grew. He finished his own meal, not really knowing what it was, and threw a couple of bills on the table.

"Let's go," he said dryly and rose.

She got up and walked after him quietly and apprehensively like a schoolgirl following a teacher to the principal's office. She could sense his vexation mount until it began smoldering into resentment. As they left the diner and strode to the car, she sighed, stopped and called out.

"Wait."

He turned and faced her, the frown still on his face. She was unable to look up and meet his eyes.

"Look, I… I'm sorry."

His posture relaxed and he stepped over, his arms going around her and drawing her into an embrace. She shivered at his touch but did not fight back, allowing her head to nestle on his shoulder. Her hands pressed against his chest, crumpling his shirt as they clenched into fists, uncertain like the rest of her whether she should push him away or pull him closer.

"I'm not forcing you, Rae," he whispered. "If you don't want to come with me, it's OK."

He could feel a tremor pass through her. "I do want. But I don't know…"

He pulled his head back and regarded her, somewhat puzzled. "You don't know what?"

She remained silent for a couple of long seconds. "I'm… not sure why I'm doing it."

"Not sure?"

She finally looked at him. "When you said… when you told me you wanted to rebuild your life, I knew right away I had to help you, because I was responsible for destroying it in the first place." She lifted a hand and placed a finger over his lips, silencing the denial he was about to voice. "Hush. Hear me out."

Her hand grasped his shirt again and her head returned to rest on his shoulder. "I want to be with you. I want to help you pick the pieces up. I want to do something to erase at least part of what I've done. But I feel… I feel that's not the only reason."

His arms tightened their hold on her. "Rae…"

She pressed her face into him. "I don't _know,_ Richard. I'm not sure of what I feel or what I want."

His hand went through her hair and he kissed the top of her head. "We'll figure it out together."

She didn't respond, but her hands released his shirt and encircled his waist tightly as she huddled closer, desperately seeking comfort and peace.

-=oOo=-

It was fortunate that he found her before she had time to sink too deep into the bottomless pit of her addiction. Weaning her off the tobacco and alcohol was far from easy or painless, but at least it was simple and straightforward. He had subjected her to a progressively harder training and exercise regime which was definitely paying dividends. It also brought back most of her physical fitness and her endurance was quickly returning to the old levels. The poisons were sweated out of her body and the dopamine pathways in her brain returned to more natural sources of pleasure, like workout and sex. But it came with a price, and he was quickly becoming aware of it.

They sprawled on the bed beside each other, a glistening sheen of perspiration covering their naked bodies. Their chests rose and fell with deep, heavy breaths and their hearts thudded hard while the last wisps of orgasmic bliss slowly waned into a warm afterglow.

Richard half-extended his arm and rested its hand beside her head in a silent, subtle invitation for her to roll over and cuddle, even though he knew she would ignore it. He closed his eyes and chased the bothersome thought away, focusing on enjoying the wonderful feeling of weary fulfillment.

He turned his head and squinted to sneak a look at her. Her respiration was almost back to normal. The back of her left forearm was resting across her eyes, covering and hiding them even though the curtains were drawn and the room was dark. He could not avoid smiling as he studied that lithe, compact body he learned to love so much; that flawless sculpture in polished white marble, that smooth, delicate porcelain figurine whose apparent hardness hid its intrinsic fragility.

"Do you think of her while we fuck?" her sudden words startled him. Only her lips moved; her arm still covered her eyes and her voice was cool and calm as if she was discussing the dinner menu.

He frowned. "I wish you didn't use that word," he growled. "It's ugly."

She rolled over to her right side, facing him, and propped herself on an elbow. His gaze immediately slipped to take in the heavy sway of her breasts before snapping up in embarrassment to her slightly amused eyes. Her slender fingers traced a pattern over his chest and she lowered her head on his shoulder.

"We were certainly not making love," her dry voice contrasted with her affectionate gestures.

He closed his eyes again and sighed. "Rae…"

Her fingers kept playing with him, slowly drifting downwards. "You haven't answered my question."

He chewed the inside of his cheek. "Sometimes." The forced admission made anger swell in him and the words burst out of his mouth before he could stop them. "Did you think about him?"

Her hand froze in its exploration, then returned to his shoulder. She pressed herself closer and remained quiet, but the genie was out of the bottle. He had to know.

"Rae?"

Her voice was a whisper. "I did."

This time the silence between them was neither calming nor comforting. Her grip on him became desperate and her face buried itself in his shoulder. "I'm sorry," she trembled and her voice shook. "I'm s-sorry," she repeated as hot wetness scalded his skin.

The burning bitterness of the guilt that consumed her crept into his own mouth and nostrils, the cloying, choking taste tightening his throat until his breath wheezed. He fought the strangling sensation down, knowing how harmful it could be. It was that same overwhelming guilt what pushed her into a deadly spiral of self-destructive behavior, and it was not letting her go. He had managed to stop her from slowly killing herself, but deprived of its attempts to poison her body her self-loathing and recrimination were now trying to corrupt her mind and taint her soul.

His arms closed around her, calming the tremors that shook her to an occasional shiver. She snuggled closer and placed a light kiss on his chest without lifting her head. He held her like that for a few minutes, until her hand began exploring anew, her fingers drawing spidery lines over his skin, leaving a tense, heated yearning in their wake as they descended lower and lower.

She cupped him gently and he felt himself hardening almost immediately. Her head moved up and her teeth pulled at his lower lip, wrenching a deep groan out from his chest.

"Again?" he smirked, far from surprised. It was one of the few things that made her forget, if only for a short time.

"It's all I have," she murmured and nipped his earlobe. Her hand still held him possessively as she rose on her knees and straddled him, guiding him to her entrance and slowly sinking down, taking him in with a long, whimpering sigh.

She braced herself on his shoulders and began rocking lazily. Her eyes were closed and her head bent, wisps of soft violet hair falling over her face, her quickening breath sighing through slightly parted lips.

His hands grasped her hips, guiding her and helping her synchronize their rhythm, then slid up and cupped her breasts, squeezing gently. His thumbs traced slow, languid circles around the stiffening nubs of her nipples, making her hiss in a long, lusty gasp.

 _It cannot last. Not this way,_ he thought. He knew what he had to do, as much as he feared doing it. But he couldn't put it off any more. It had to be done, for her sake.

Finally making up his mind, he allowed his rationality to sink again into oblivion as he released himself to love and passion.

-=oOo=-

"You're out of your mind," she said in her best monotone, but he could feel the undercurrent of anger and fear in it.

"I'm not. The timing's perfect. The yearly gathering is in two weeks," he replied earnestly, trying to get her to see. "Everyone will be there. The Titans, the Justice League… They even invited the Doom Patrol this year."

She sipped her tea and leaned forward to place the mug gently on the coffee table. The surface of the liquid rippled with the slight tremor that shook her hands. "I won't go."

"You have to," he insisted. "I know it's hard, and I know you're afraid, but –"

"No!" she cut him off angrily, waving a dismissive hand. "You can't expect me to –"

His hand shot up and grasped her wrist in a hard, unapologetic grip.

"Then I will make you," he snapped in irritation. She looked at him with surprise. His eyes were icy and unyielding; she had almost forgotten how stubborn he could get once he set his mind on something.

"Don't be absurd, Richard," she almost pleaded. "How do you expect me to –"

His eyes softened and his arm went around her shoulders, seeking to calm and reassure her. "The same way you faced everything else."

She opened her mouth to say something, but her mind refused to put together a single coherent sentence, swept up in a whirling maelstrom of fear and anxiety that quickly approached panic. He sensed it and his arm pulled her into an embrace. She allowed herself to nestle in, drinking thirstily of the support and encouragement he was silently pouring into her.

"I'll… I'll try," she whispered finally. He smiled.

"I know."

-=oOo=-

He stepped out of the bathroom and into the room half naked, still toweling his hair, when his eyes took in the scene in front of him and he froze. She was sitting at the desk, a bottle of whiskey and an empty glass in front of her. She stared fixedly at the bottle, her hands resting on the desk with just a hint of a tremor blurring them.

"Rae?" he managed to force out a choked cry through his throat.

Where did she get the whiskey? She must've bought it herself; he wasn't such an idiot to keep alcohol around a recovering addict. He glanced at the bottle and sheer relief made his knees go weak. It was still unopened.

"I wanted to get wasted," her soft voice rubbed his back with apprehensive icicles. "I wanted to get so drunk that you couldn't possibly take me to the party."

Her head turned and her eyes tore themselves away from the bottle to seek out his own, a look of frightened despair shining in them. "I don't know if I can make it, Richard. I don't know if I can face them."

He moved closer and crouched to envelop her in a calming, loving embrace. "You have to," he whispered into her ear. "For your own sake."

She huddled into him. He could feel the muscles on her back quiver as they clenched in fearful anticipation.

"Will you be there with me?"

His arms tightened around her. "Always."

She sank her face into his chest and held him in a death-grip. He felt her shiver silently.

"You must do it, Rae. For yourself," he crooned, his fingers burrowing reassuringly through the scented silk of her hair. "It's the only way for you to get over it."

She allowed herself to be soothed a few moments more, then pulled back slowly. Her hand caressed his face.

"Not for me," she whispered and kissed him tenderly. "For you."

-=oOo=-

Raven sought out the farthest, darkest corner in the large, vaulted room as soon as they arrived. Richard frowned; he didn't go through all the pain and the effort to prepare everything and convince, even bully her into coming here just to have her cower in paralyzed fear. The mixture of concern, anxiety and slight irritation he radiated did not go unnoticed. Her hand clasped his and she gave it a reassuring squeeze to let him know that she was just gathering her courage.

Starfire was impossible to miss. Even the loud music could not drown her joyful laughter, even the glow of so many emotions gathered around her could not mask the blinding radiance of her happy enthusiasm to an empath such as Raven. Pain and guilt twisted the pale sorceress' insides at the same time as a rush of gladness and joy swept through her. The hold of her hand on Richard's became painful as her nails dug into his palm.

She took a deep breath and looked up into his eyes. "Stay here," she whispered, forcing herself to release his hand.

"Are you sure?" Richard frowned. "I don't mind being with you if –"

"I… need to do this on my own," she spoke in a tight voice. "If you… when you're ready to do it yourself, I'll be with you." A tiny smile graced her features. "If you want me to, of course."

He studied her carefully, noticing the firm set of her jaw. He nodded silently. He knew her well enough to realize that she had made her decision.

Raven turned and walked resolutely towards the throng clustered around Starfire, hiding an amused chuckle. Her friend's joyful demeanor and her striking beauty always attracted, indeed demanded attention. Even someone as cold, restrained and dispassionate as Raven could not help but eventually buckle under the unceasing assault of Starfire's sheer joy to be alive.

Her knees suddenly felt weak and her steps faltered.

 _And I have repaid her friendship with betrayal._

She shook her head angrily, dismissing the though. _That is exactly the reason why I have to do this._

Starfire was deep in conversation with one of her admirers, unaware of Raven's approach, but some of her companions noticed the cloaked Azarathian glide closer. They frowned and stepped back. Raven almost laughed; the glares, the distrust and the disdain simply slid off her. She was used to the reaction. She learned a long time ago to disregard and ignore it.

Except in her friends.

She reached Starfire and stopped, waiting silently while her throat tightened, almost strangling her. The tall redhead looked up in surprise.

"Kory…" Raven's lips moved, letting the barest whisper pass through them. Starfire's eyes widened as she recognized who was standing in front of her.

"Friend Raven…?"

That one single word hurt more than Raven thought possible. Her fists balled up and she tried to clear her throat.

"Kory, I… I'm sorry."

Strong, warm arms went around her and she was enveloped in a bone-crushing hug. She endured it stoically for a few seconds, then her arms crept slowly, haltingly around the Tamaranian, returning the gesture. Raven's eyes itched and her breath came out in a choked wheeze, as much because of Starfire's constricting embrace as because of her own turmoil.

Starfire's hug slackened and she pulled back, a smile on her face and a warm glow in her eyes. It helped untie the knot in Raven's tongue and release a little the constriction in her throat.

"Please… please forgive me, Kory. I…"

"You have made the mistake, and you have paid for it," Starfire dismissed her apology with a shake of her fiery mane. "I have given you the forgiveness a long time ago."

Raven swallowed a sob, then hugged her. Again she felt the alien's arms closing around her, but this time gently, almost tenderly.

"Th – thank you," she stammered and pulled away to look into the Tamaranian's eyes. "Thank you," she repeated hoarsely.

"There is nothing to thank me for," Starfire smiled radiantly. "We have always been and always will be the best of the friends."

Raven looked down and nodded, not trusting herself to answer. Starfire's hand went up and caressed the sorceress' cheek. "You are… with Dick, that is correct?"

"We've been… living together the last few weeks," Raven admitted, blushing. Starfire's smile widened.

"That is most wonderful!" she exclaimed, then her face became serious. "You will take the good caring of him, yes?"

Raven's blush deepened. "I… I suppose I will."

The smile returned to Starfire's face. "I know you will. And I shall be content knowing it is so."

Raven looked away, embarrassed. Starfire chuckled, then squeezed her hand. "The past needs to be healed, friend Raven. Not buried or forgotten, but made peace with. It must give us wisdom and strength, not shame and hurt. I have understood that lesson; it is time for you to understand it also."

Raven's mouth opened and closed, but no words could come out. Her eyes misted. Starfire's arm went around her shoulder.

"Have you spoken with friend Garfield yet?"

Raven took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "He's next on my list," she muttered. Starfire chuckled again.

"You have the courage to do it. I know that you do." Her hand squeezed Raven's shoulder reassuringly. "Go now. Go and make yourself whole again."

The sorceress nodded, sighed again and turned away.

-=oOo=-

Surprisingly, Garfield was not easy to locate. She expected to find him in the most boisterous parts of the party, where he would feel like a fish in water. But for some reason she couldn't see him on the dance floor or among the loud throngs of socialites. When she finally noticed him, she arched an eyebrow in surprise.

He was standing with his hand placed lovingly and protectively on the shoulder of a small, heavily pregnant blonde woman sitting in a comfortable armchair. Raven gritted her teeth against the reasonless jealousy that swamped her for a moment and strode purposefully towards them.

They saw her approach. Even without her empathy it was easy to read their emotions. Terra's eyes hardened and her smile became brittle, while Gar's grin faded and he swallowed. She could feel the discomfort literally blazing from him. _Why is he uneasy? It wasn't he that fucked up._

She forced her eyes to remain calm and her face to stay neutral, but by Azar, did it hurt. "Tara," she nodded to the girl that used to be both her friend and her betrayer. _How fitting,_ she thought. "Gar."

"Hey, Rae!" he mumbled, a small smile forcing itself on his lips. Terra remained silent, anxiety and fear flowing from her in bitter waves. Raven realized the blonde was afraid she'd try to steal Gar back away from her, feeling vulnerable because of her current state. _Come on, Terra,_ Raven hid a smirk. _Haven't you learned anything about Garfield yet?_

She forced it all away from her mind. She came here to do something.

"Gar, I'm here because –"

His small smile faded, replaced with the shadow of a frown. "I know."

The composure Raven managed to recover after her conversation with Starfire began to crumble. "Gar…"

He cut her off. "It hurt, Rae." His voice was strained and tense to the point of snapping. He glanced down at his wife, then returned his reflective, unreadable gaze back to her. "It hurt worse than anything else ever did."

She could feel the strange mixture of emotions that churned in his soul. There were still some wispy strings of affection joining them, but it wasn't what made him uneasy. It was his animalistic side that was rebelling against her presence, seeing her as a potential threat – no less menacing for not being physical – to its mate and cub. That same loyal, protective nature of his was now turned towards someone else, and she was not welcome any more. With some surprise she realized that it made her feel relieved much more than hurt.

They remained silent and motionless for several moments. Finally, Raven dropped her gaze.

"I'm sorry…"

His tenseness relaxed as he began sensing that she didn't represent a danger. "I know that, too." There was no more coldness in his words. They were compassionate, almost affectionate. And they clawed deeply into her heart because of it.

"I wanted…" she forced herself to speak through an unresponsive throat, "I wanted to ask you to… forgive me."

He nodded, his expression serious, bordering on being grave. "It's the least I can do, for old time's sakes. I will forgive you, Rae." He glanced again at Terra, ran his hand through his hair and scratched the back of his head, as he always did when he was uncomfortable. "It's just…"

"I understand, Gar," she said softly. She could almost see those few remaining spidery, invisible strands of love between them fall and disappear, not wrenched out in agonizing pain as she feared, but cut away cleanly and painlessly by his words.

She sighed and squeezed her eyes shut for a moment to dismiss the pointless regret, then opened them to look at him with gratitude.

"Thank you, Gar. I hope you two…" her eyes slid to Terra's bulging waist. "I hope you _three_ will be – will stay happy."

"We will," he said gently, without rancor. Raven hesitated a moment, but there was nothing left to talk about. She was just about to turn around and leave when Terra's voice stopped her.

"Raven?" her voice rasped. "Wait."

The sorceress turned back to look at the geomancer. Terra grasped and held tight the hand that Garfield still kept on her shoulder.

"I know how you feel, Raven," she spoke barely above a whisper. "I was also… I also made mistakes. I also betrayed those whom I loved, and I was also given a second chance." She looked up at Garfield with deep love shining in her eyes, then turned them back to Raven. "I hope you will be happy, too."

One of those small, elusive smiles lit up Raven's face. "Thank you, Tara. Take care of yourself, and of him."

Terra smiled back warmly. "I will."

-=oOo=-

Raven forced herself not to run back to Richard and throw herself into his embrace. She was emotionally exhausted, but there was still one more thing to do.

"How was it?" he asked and folded his arms around her as she leaned into him. She just nodded, hugged him hard and allowed herself to enjoy the feeling for several seconds. She looked up to meet his eyes.

"I'm almost done," she assured him. "Give me a few minutes to recover and it'll all be over, thank Azar."

"Are you sure you don't need my help?"

She smiled at his concern. He was always so considerate of her needs. "Of course. Have something to drink, I'll be right back."

She left him scratching the back of his head in puzzlement. She permitted herself a small, crooked smile when she knew he couldn't see it, then walked out on the terrace and leaned on the stone railing, breathing deeply.

There was one more thing they needed to do, and she knew they should do it together, but she needed to recover first. After that, Richard could seek his own forgiveness from Starfire and Garfield, and then they could leave and go home, and…

The heavy sound of metallic feet striking the stone floor yanked her away from those thoughts. She whirled around to face the intruder and her mouth went dry.

"Vic…?" she gasped.

The huge half-robot reached her, towering above her petite frame. He sank slowly down to one knee to bring his eyes level to hers.

"Rae, I –" he began, then his voice broke. "I'm sorry."

She gaped at him. "Wh – what are you talking about?"

He stared at the floor, refusing to meet her eyes. "I was… I was enraged when it all happened. I could see how devastated Kory and Gar were… I was furious at Dick and at you, and –"

"And you were right to be!" Raven mumbled in confusion, but he just waved her argument away.

"Maybe. Maybe then I was. But Gar and Starfire recovered, and carried on with their lives, and you disappeared, and I… I never…"

"You never what?" she asked, still not understanding.

He finally looked up at her. "I never bothered to think about how it affected you. I never even thought how you've been punishing yourself all these years. I never realized how much you suffered because of it. Not until Dick told me a few days ago, and then it burst on me, and I…"

Raven was speechless. She had just received two emotional blows, one right after the other.

"Richard… told you?"

He nodded. "About a week ago he came seeking forgiveness from Star and Gar and me. He told us what you were going through and what you were doing to yourself. I was… I was shamed, Rae. I was supposed to be your big brother. I was supposed to be your support and your solace, but I failed you… I'm sorry!"

"Vic, I…" her voice failed her, but on a sudden impulse she hugged the metal-plated head and pressed her cheek to his forehead.

"I'll forgive you if you forgive me, Victor!" she whispered fiercely. His arms literally engulfed her slender shoulders. "I love you, little sis," he said hoarsely.

"I love you, too, you walking trashcan!" she admitted through a strangled laugh and pushed him gently away. "Now that's enough hugging for one night, OK?"

He nodded and his teeth shone in a huge grin. He rose and hesitated, waiting for her to join him and return to the party. She smiled and touched his arm.

"I need a few minutes on my own."

His grin widened. He nodded, turned and left.

-=oOo=-

Raven leaned back against the railing and closed her eyes, trying to make sense of what she'd just learned. The revelation of Richard's action shook her deeply. She scowled; she didn't expect him to do something so risky and so dumb, just because –

A smile replaced the scowl. She _should_ have expected it. She sighed and tried to sort out her feelings. Did it affect the sincerity of Gar's and Kory's forgiveness? She shook her head. No, they were both completely honest with her and their words were heartfelt. Neither did it tarnish her accomplishment in battling against her own fear and shame. The guilt didn't go away; it never would. But just like Starfire said, it was transformed from a poisonous darkness festering in her soul to a source of wisdom and strength.

She felt soothing calmness wash over her, cleansing and refreshing. Her small smile widened and turned just a bit naughty. As wonderful as Richard's gesture was, she never liked it when things were being done behind her back. She should teach him a little lesson. Two could play that game, and after all, she _was_ half-demon. She would show Mr. Grayson soon enough just what he was getting himself into.

First things first. She floated up and crossed her legs in lotus position, muttering the mantra under her breath. She dove into her own mind, seeking and finding the place she had sealed off and welded shut and boarded up years ago, right after the… right after it happened. She focused on it and soothed and pried and coaxed it slowly open.

She let the wish to be with him float through it and burst in his mind. His utter astonishment at feeling her made her smile widen, and she sent him a feeling of playful reassurance. There was no sense in making him feel awkward; not yet, at least. It would come soon enough.

To Richard's credit, he recovered quickly and was beside her in a few heartbeats. She grasped his hand and made him follow her back to the party.

"Later," she smirked at his unspoken question. "We have one more thing to do."

He allowed her to drag him behind her, trying to use their mutual bond that she just reopened to feel her intentions. But besides a sense of playfulness, almost mischievousness, he couldn't make out anything else.

He soon saw that she was pulling him towards one of the dark corners. His face reddened; was it possible that she was going to… and then he recognized the shadowy outline of an almost invisible human shape standing deep in the gloom and he paled, his heart and mind freezing.

Raven's smirk widened. _A taste of your own medicine, Richard._ She approached the forbidding figure wrapped in a black cape, barely discernible in the darkness. She stopped in front of it with Richard in tow, still stiff as a board. The caped man's presence was unsettling and intimidating, but she was a Titan, a hero, a power unto her own. She had confronted and defeated much worse threats than a brooding man in a bat costume.

She faced him, unafraid and undaunted. "We made a mistake," she said in a clear, strong voice. "We paid for it and we atoned for it. There is no point in prolonging the suffering. It is time for it to be laid to rest."

The eyes under the bat mask flickered with amusement as they swept from the speechless Richard to the small sorceress standing defiantly before him, even though the top of her head barely reached the height of his chin.

"There will be a Thanksgiving dinner at the Manor," his quiet but deep voice reflected the amusement in his eyes. "I would appreciate it if you could join us. It would be good to have the whole family together again."

Raven glanced at Richard, sensing an overwhelming tide of relief and joy rising in him. A smile lit up her features and she turned to thank Batman for his invitation, but he was already gone. _How does he do that?_ she grumbled pointlessly.

Suddenly the reaction hit her, hard. Her knees felt weak and her head spun. Richard sensed it and stepped quickly closer to take her in his arms, letting her lean on him until she recovered. She breathed deeply and regularly for a while, clearing her head and gathering her strength back. She looked up and met his gaze, then lifted a hand and ran it through his hair, pulling him down into a passionate kiss.

When they finally parted, both were gasping for air. She stilled her breathing and quieted her heart and buried her face in his chest.

Her arms tightened their grip on him. She felt her eyes burn and a sweet pain cut through her chest. She had finally found the peace she so yearned for, but it wasn't all over. It was now time to look for something else. It was time to find hope. She inhaled deeply, taking in his scent, and spoke in a muffled voice.

"Take us home, Richard."


End file.
